As we join the extract, Chairman Gordon is handing out the script of his new "sex farce". 

 

Gordon  Sorry there wasn't time to get it typed up, but I'm sure we'll cope.  There you go, Bernard. 

Bernard  I don't want one. 

Gordon  Yes you do, you're in it. 

Bernard  Hang on a minute!  You're not getting me up on stage! 

Gordon  Why not? 

Bernard  I can't act, for a start! 

Gordon  You don't have to act, Bernard.  Just do what the rest of us do. 

Bernard  No way. 

Gordon  Bernard, you've got to!  I need four actors.  Everybody else is playing three parts - you're just doing the butcher.  If you don't do it, the whole thing's off. 

Joyce  Come on Bernard, you've done it before. 

Bernard  It's a bit bloody different playing the back end of a horse in a kid's panto - this is a speaking part. 

Gordon  Look, Bernard, I'm going to be brutally honest with you.  If I'd got a choice between you and Dustin Hoffman, you wouldn't get the part.  But I haven't.  So you're doing it.  End of argument.  Right, let's go, everybody stand up.  The first page is just my notes.  So, take it from the top of page two, Margaret's entrance.  Ready, Bernard? 

Bernard  I'm not in yet. 

Gordon  Yes you are.  Top of page two. 

Bernard  Where? 

Gordon  Top of page two.   Top of page two.  Butcher.  (Getting tenser)  Top of page two!!  Look, I know you're not an actor, Bernard, but I was hoping you could read. 

Bernard  (waving his script at Gordon)  Look!  Top of page two!  No bloody butcher! 

Gordon  That's page three! 

Bernard  It's my page two! 

Gordon  What happened to page two? 

Joyce  I've got two page two's. 

Gordon  Aha! 

Joyce  But no page three. 

Gordon  Bernard, have you got two page three's? 

Bernard  No. 

Margaret  I've got two page three's. 

Gordon  Right. 

Margaret  But no page four. 

Bernard  I might be able to help you out there.  I've got three of the buggers. 

Gordon  Joyce, you give Bernard your other page three... 

Bernard  I've already got a page three. 

Gordon  So what's the problem? 

Bernard  No bloody page two! 

Gordon  Who had two page two's? 

Joyce  Me. 

Gordon  Right, give them to Bernard. 

Joyce  Both of them? 

Gordon  No!  Just one!  Now, Margaret, give your other page three to Joyce.  Bernard - give one of your page fours to Margaret.  Everybody happy now? 

Bernard  I've still got too many page fours. 

Gordon  (taking the page, and screwing it up)  Right.  Let's go.  Top of page two - Margaret's entrance.  (The phone rings)  Oh bloody hell!  Start reading it through. 

 

Exit Gordon. 

 

Margaret  Right, my entrance.  Ready, Bernard? 

Bernard  I suppose so. 

Margaret  Right, er...Margaret enters...what am I carrying? 

Bernard  What? 

Margaret  It says Margaret enters carrying a something, I can't read his writing. 

Bernard  Er...carrying...a limp. 

Margaret  Oh, right.  Which leg? 

Bernard  Why? 

Margaret  It's important to get the details of the character right, Bernard, you'll find this out. 

Bernard  It's just a read-through, it doesn't matter which leg. 

Margaret  The left, then. 

Bernard  If you like. 

Margaret  Or do you prefer the right? 

Bernard  No, I prefer the left, just get on with it. 

Margaret  (limping in dramatically)  "Morning, Gerald!" 

Bernard  (incredibly woodenly)  "Morning Mrs Duffield.  What can I get you today?" 

Margaret  "I fancy a bit of rump." 

Bernard  (without expression)  "Don't we all, Mrs Duffield, don't we all." 

Margaret  "Can I"...this is appalling... 

Joyce  Come on, don't break the flow. 

Margaret  "Can I have a look at your loins?" 

Bernard  "Anytime, Mrs Duffield.  Just don't let your husband find out." 

Margaret  It's not exactly Chekhov, is it.   

Joyce  I think it's quite good!  Carry on. 

Margaret  "You know, Gerald, my husband just doesn't realize how much meat has gone up." 

Bernard  "No, I bet he doesn't." 

Margaret  "Oh, you are saucy, Gerald."  I'm sorry, I can't do this.  No-one, but no-one, is going to buy tickets to see this garbage, and when Gordon comes back, I'm going to tell him so. 

 

Enter Gordon. 

 

Gordon  There we go!  Our first ticket sales.  Fifteen seats for Saturday. 

Joyce  Fifteen!  That's more than we've ever had in on one night! 

Gordon  I told you, Joyce, sex sells tickets. 

Bernard  Who was it? 

Gordon  The Lively Ladies Over Fifties Club. 

Margaret  You are joking? 

Gordon  No.  Looks like Mrs Pimm is doing her job very effectively. 

Margaret  Do they know it's a sex comedy? 

Gordon  I think they're relying on the fact. 

Margaret  The dirty old sods! 

Gordon  More a case of nostalgia with them.  Still, every ticket counts.  Right, how are you getting on with the opening scene? 

Joyce  Well, Margaret thinks... 

Margaret  Actually, Gordon, I think we've cracked it.  How's this?  "Morning, Gerald!" 

Bernard  "Morning Mrs Duffield.  What can I get you today?" 

Gordon  Hold it, hold it.  Bernard, come on.  You're a butcher.  Do it...well, butcher.  Butchers are loud, rosy-cheeked, vivacious. 

Bernard  Ours isn't.  Ours is a surly old bugger. 

Gordon  Well, I think we can allow ourselves a bit of artistic license. 

Margaret  Bernard's artistic license expired years ago. 

Bernard  Right, stuff your script! 

Gordon  Bernard!  Bernard, Bernard.  Margaret didn't mean it - did you, Margaret? 

Margaret  If he wants to be an actor he's got to learn to take a little criticism. 

Bernard  I don't want to be an actor - remember?  I'm a set builder. 

Margaret  It's a pity your sets aren't as wooden as your performances. 

Bernard  Bollocks! 

 

Bernard storms out, and is brought back by Gordon. 

 

Gordon  Shut up, Margaret!!  Well, it's nice to see the old team spirit is back with a vengeance.  Now look, I'm the director, here.  I'll hand out the criticism when it's due, and it will good, sound, constructive criticism, and we'll all take it in good heart, okay?  Good.  Right, now, Bernard, that was shite.  Try it again.  Put some life into it.   

Bernard  (the same wooden delivery as previously, but just a little louder)  "Morning Mrs Duffield.  What can I get you today?" 

Gordon  Better.  Much better! 

Margaret  (dragging her left leg heavily)  "I fancy a bit of rump." 

Gordon  Hold it.  Margaret... 

Margaret  (touchily)  You don't like the way I'm doing it.  It's not an easy line to deliver, you know. 

Gordon  No, no, you're doing it fine.  I just wondered what you'd done to your leg. 

Margaret  My leg? 

Gordon  Are you in pain? 

Margaret  I'm acting, Gordon.  Just obeying stage directions.  Margaret enters carrying a limp. 

Gordon  A lamp!  Margaret enters carrying a lamp! 

Margaret  It's your bloody awful handwriting. 

Gordon  Look, I'm sorry, I haven't exactly had time to get the thing published. 

Margaret  So I'm carrying a lamp, not a limp. 

Gordon  Precisely. 

Margaret  All right, just as long as I know.  These details are important, you know. 

Gordon  Right, can we get on? 

Margaret  Which hand do you want the lamp in? 

Gordon  Look, skip this scene.  I'm getting bored with it.  Move onto page four.  Joyce, you're on. 

Joyce  Who am I playing? 

Gordon  You, Joyce, are playing you, Joyce. 

Joyce  Who? 

Gordon  You're playing yourself, Joyce. 

Joyce  (doubtful)  Playing myself? 

Gordon  Yes. 

Joyce  Me? 

Gordon  Well, I thought you were the obvious one for the part. 

Joyce  Oh.  I'm not sure I can play myself. 

Gordon  You're the right height.  You've got the accent off to a tee - what's the problem here?  Just be yourself. 

Joyce  And do what? 

Gordon  Ah!  It came to me in a flash of inspiration.  You want to do a song, right? 

Joyce  Yes. 

Gordon  But this isn't a musical, it's a farce.  

Bernard  You can say that again. 

Gordon  So I thought, how can I get a song into a farce?  Then, it hit me. 

Joyce  What? 

Gordon  You're playing you, practising for the forthcoming production of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers - so you get to do a song from the show! 

Joyce  We're doing Seven Brides For Seven Brothers after all? 

Gordon  No, Joyce, watch my lips.  My play, is a play about an Amateur Dramatic Society, with you in it, performing a musical. 

Joyce  Us, you mean? 

Gordon  Yes, us, if you like, but it could be someone else. 

Joyce  Are we doing the musical or not! 

Gordon  No!!  We're pretending to do it!  It's a play!  You're in a play, about a play.  No? 

Joyce  No. 

Gordon  Never mind.  Just read the words on the script.  Page four. 

Joyce  Where do I stand? 

Gordon  You don't stand.  You lie down.  You're in the bath. 

Joyce  The bath? 

Gordon  What better place to rehearse the song? 

Joyce  With no clothes on? 

Gordon  We'll cover you with bubbles. 

Joyce  I'm not taking my clothes off. 

Gordon  You can wear a bikini.  You'll be covered in bubbles. 

Joyce  With my thighs?  I'm not wearing a bikini. 

Gordon  All right, fine.  You can wear a bloody duffle coat.  I don't give a damn.  Just don't put the hood up.  Right, you're in the bath, singing away, one of the big rousing numbers from Seven Brides, and I come bursting in. 

Joyce  Who are you? 

Gordon  I'm the vicar. 

Joyce  What's the vicar doing in my bathroom? 

Gordon  He hears you singing, and thinks you're calling for help. 

Joyce  What's he doing in my house? 

Gordon  Look, I'm not going to stand here and explain all the plot.  You'll have to pick it up as we go along. 

Margaret  It's a bit tricky when you keep skipping pages. 

Gordon  You were taking too long. 

Margaret  We'd have been halfway through now if you'd let me carry on. 

 

The phone rings. 

 

Bernard  I'll get it. 

 

Exit Bernard. 

 

Gordon  All right, all right.  Let's just crack on.  Joyce, start singing. 

Joyce  What? 

Gordon  Anything.  You're in the bath - sing!  (She does)  Good.  Right, now I come bursting in and say (he checks his script)  Oh, shit! 

Margaret  That's a bit strong for a vicar. 

Gordon  I haven't got a page four.  (Margaret rescues the crumpled page four from the floor, and hands it to him)  Thanks.  Right, I burst in and say "Are you all right?  Oops!  Mrs Pilkington, I'm so sorry, I never, I...I..., well I never!" (Joyce, oblivious, is still singing)  Joyce...Joyce!  Shut up!  Script! 

Joyce  Oh, right.  (Pause)  Now? 

Gordon  Yes, now, Joyce, before one of us dies. 

Joyce  "Oh!  Vicar!  It's you!" 

Gordon  "Yes!  I could have sworn I heard a cry for help." 

Joyce  "I was just rehearsing for the forthcoming show!" 

Gordon  "I'm terribly sorry, I...I, well, I think I'd better leave!" 

Joyce  "Yes, I think that would be best." 

Gordon  "Right, then, I'll leave, then. 

Joyce  "Right!" 

Margaret  Cracking stuff.  Is this in iambic pentameter? 

Gordon  Shut up.  You're on. 

Margaret  I am? 

Gordon  Mrs Stodgeworthy. 

Margaret  Oh, right.  "Mrs Pilkington, are you all...arrgh!  Vicar!" 

Gordon  "Why, Mrs Stodgeworthy!  I...I...well I was just... 

Margaret  "I can see what you were doing, vicar!" 

Gordon  "No, no, you've got it all wrong, I just came to have a look....I mean...I just came to lend a hand...I mean, she was just rehearsing..." 

Margaret  "Spare me the sordid details!" 

Gordon  Great.  Then you storm out, and return a few seconds later to say... 

Margaret  "The bishop will hear about this!" 

Gordon  Terrific!  What do you think, Bernard? 

Bernard  (entering)  I think it's the biggest load of crap I've ever seen in my life. 

Gordon  (hurt)  Thank you. 

Bernard  But it's just sold another thirty-five tickets for Saturday night. 

Joyce  Thirty-five?! 

Bernard  A block-booking from the Young Farmer's Club.  I think we're in business!