A mangled deckchair gets thrown alongside Alice.
Henry enters. He is wearing a rather unflattering pair of small, tight shorts.
Henry Whoever invented this pile of rotting crap wants stringing up.
Alice Losing your temper isn't going to help.
Henry You want to bet? I mean look at it. All I want to do is sit down. I'm not after mental stimulation. What do I get? A bloody Rubik's deckchair. Over three million combinations. You need a degree in mechanical bloody engineering just to erect the bloody thing.
Alice I'm sure it's easy enough if you keep calm.
Henry Easy enough for you. Yours was already up. First time in two weeks we get any decent weather and I spend all day on this bloody monkey puzzle.
Alice Don't you dare complain about the weather. I told you I wanted to go abroad.
Henry This is abroad.
Alice Wales is not abroad, Henry.
Henry It's not England is it?
Alice It's not Kenya either.
Henry Look, Alice, I won't tell you again. I am not prepared to pay over a thousand pounds for two weeks of flies, famine and disease.
Alice It's not like that.
Henry Course it's like that. Why do you think you have to have three hundred injections before you can even get near the place? Eh? Bloody malaria, typhoid, yellow fever...bloody...whooping cough...God knows what else - I'd look like a sodding pin cushion before I even got on the plane. Bloody Kenya. You're a dreamer, Alice. You really are.
Alice It sounded lovely in the brochure.
Henry Well of course it sounded lovely in the brochure, Alice. They're not going to tell you anything in the brochure, are they? They're not going to say, "Oi, come and blow a thousand quid on a poxy holiday in a disease-ridden cesspit" are they? "Oh, and by the way, just to get you in the holiday mood, stick twenty needles in your arse first." If you want to see a lion you can go to the safari park.
Alice Shut up, I'm trying to enjoy the sun.
Henry Well bully for you. Nice to know one of us has got somewhere to park their bum.
Alice Ask the man. He'll erect it for you.
Henry Huh! No chance.
Alice Why not?
Henry He's Welsh.
Alice What's that got to do with it? He speaks English.
Henry Haven't you got any sense of national pride at all, Alice?
Alice Don't be ridiculous. He's a nice man.
Henry Where's your backbone?
Alice On this deckchair. Where's yours?
Henry Ow! Shit!
Alice What now?
Henry It nearly had my bloody fingers off. This thing's lethal.
Alice Oh, for goodness sake, Henry, just ask the man for another one.
Henry Look at him, he's bloody laughing at me!
Alice He's just smiling, Henry, that's all.
Henry Yes, mate. You'll smile on the other side of your face when I report you to the Health & Safety Executive. They'll have you shut down in seconds, pal. That'll soon wipe your bloody Welsh grin off your mush all right, you bloody...leek-eating bastard.
Alice Henry! Stop over-reacting. It's just a deckchair.
Henry Yours might be just a deckchair. Mine's a bloody death-trap.
Alice If you're not happy with it, just take it back.
Henry No.
Alice Lie on the floor, then.
Henry tries lying uncomfortably on the floor, head towards the audience, on top of the collapsed deckchair. He keeps wriggling and re-arranging himself.
Alice Can't you keep still?
Henry No.
Alice (she glances at him from behind her sunglasses, then slowly removes them and gives a long, frowning stare at his shorts) Henry, for God's sake put your testicle away. It's coming out of the side of your shorts.
Henry If you were any sort of wife you'd rub some Factor 15 on it.
Alice Put it away, Henry. It's horrible.
Henry I like the breeze.
Alice Well don't blame me if that dog comes sniffing round again.
Henry Best offer I've had all fortnight.
Alice It's the only offer you'll get all fortnight, looking like that. Why on earth you didn't let me buy you a new pair of shorts I'll never know.
Henry There's nothing wrong with these.
Alice Henry, do you remember buying those shorts?
Henry Course I do.
Alice From that little caravan shop when we went to Barmouth.
Henry Yes.
Alice Do you remember that summer, how hot it was?
Henry Yes, Alice. That's why I bought the shorts.
Alice That was nineteen seventy-six, Henry. Those shorts are old enough to vote.
Henry I feel comfortable in them.
Alice But you're not in them, that's the problem. You're hanging halfway out of them. It's disgusting. You look like a seagull's laid an egg on you.
Henry wriggles again, re-arranges his shorts, then gets up and has another go at the deckchair.
Henry One pound fifty for this heap of crap.
Alice Talk to the man!
Henry I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Alice Then shut up!
Henry (after a thoughtful pause) You ask him.
Alice What?
Henry Well, you're a woman, they expect that sort of thing of women.
Alice gets up, grabs the deckchair and storms off. Henry leaps onto her chair.
Henry Well, I'm sorry, but it's true. Men don't like to admit things like that to men. You know, it's a macho thing. But with women, it's expected. They're supposed to be hopeless at things. This way, nobody gets embarrassed.
We hear Alice, off-stage.
Alice Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me. My husband can't even manage a simple erection.
