Gentle moonlight illuminates a large window on the back wall.  It is dressed only with net curtain.  Wind begins to whistle loudly outside.  Suddenly the window bursts open, as if blown inwards by the wind.  The noise wakes Edward, who groggily gets up, shuts the window and collapses back onto the bed.  Seconds later, it opens again. 

 

Edward  Bloody thing. 

 

Irritably, he jumps up, this time slamming the window shut.  There's a reaction he wasn't expecting - a sharp cry of pain from a female voice.  Edward looks around, puzzled.  Once again he gets back onto the bed, and once again he hears a strange, muffled voice, which appears to call his name.  Petrified but intrigued, he walks warily towards the window, tension mounting, and reaches tentatively for the catch.  Just as he touches it, there's a huge bang of thunder and flash of lightning, which sends him reeling backwards onto the floor, heart pounding.  Floating outside the window, in a white shroud eerily lit by ultra-violet, is the ghost of his dead wife, Ruby.  Edward is dumbstruck as the apparition slowly claws at the window, calling his name.  Finally, he finds the courage to speak. 

 

Edward  What do you want with me? 

Ruby  Open the bloody window! 

 

Edward feels compelled to obey.  He opens the window and backs away.  The apparition hoists up her smock and, in a rather unladylike manner, climbs through the window, closing it behind her.  Edward slumps down in awe. 

 

Ruby  Not quite the entrance I had in mind.  I tried the old walking through walls ploy and got stuck in the cavity.  Not pleasant.  I'm sure I've got fibreglass in my knickers.  Still, here we are at last.  Oh, come on, Edward - pull yourself together - you look like you've seen a ghost.  Come on, stand up.  Let me take a look at you. 

Edward  Ruby? 

Ruby  God, you look dreadful.  I look better dead than you do alive. 

Edward  I'm dreaming.  That's all it is.  It's a dream. 

Ruby  You deal with this any way you like, sweetie, but deal with it.  I haven't got time to prat about.  Oh, do you mind?  My shoes are killing me.  (She sits on the bed and takes off her shoes)  Oh, Heaven!  Well, the nearest I'll get to it, anyway.  So what are you doing living in this tip?  What happened to our beautiful home?  (Edward is unable to respond and just stands, open-mouthed)  Edward?  Speak to Ruby. 

Edward  It's a dream. 

Ruby  Oh, God.  (She looks around the flat, spots a soda siphon, and squirts it directly into Edward's face to break his shock)  Wakey, wakey! 

Edward  It's a wet dream. 

Ruby  All right, it's a dream.  Now talk to me. 

Edward  Are you real? 

Ruby  It depends what you mean by real. 

Edward  Do you exist?  Or am I just going crazy? 

Ruby  Could be both. 

Edward  Can other people see you? 

Ruby  Of course not. 

Edward  How convenient.  Can they hear you? 

Ruby  Come on, you know the rules. 

Edward  So you could just be a figment of my fevered imagination? 

Ruby  Perhaps. 

Edward  What was it Scrooge said?  A slight disorder of the stomach affects the senses. "You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato." 

Ruby  Or in your case, a dodgy curry. 

Edward  Ah, but hang on.  You can move objects around the room. 

Ruby  Can I? 

Edward  You just picked up the soda siphon. 

Ruby  Yes, so I did. 

Edward  So if someone were to bump into you, they'd feel you. 

Ruby  Try it. 

 

Edward thrusts his hand at Ruby.  His arm apparently goes through her shroud and out the other side.  He screams, withdrawing his hand quickly. 

 

Edward  Oh my God! 

Ruby  Weird isn't it?  And yet I can touch you, and you can feel it. 

 

She slaps him hard round the face, leaving him stunned. 

 

Edward  Yes, so I can. 

Ruby  Right, that's established the groundrules.  I can touch you, you can't touch me, and no-one else can see me, or hear me.  Unless, of course, I want them to. 

Edward  But...how? 

Ruby  Never mind how.  Just concentrate on why. 

Edward  Why? 

Ruby  Because that's the way I want it.  (Spotting the gun, she picks it up and points it directly at her hand)  Does this work? 

Edward  No!!! 

Ruby  (firing it inquisitively and examining her hand)  Oh, what a bore. 

Edward  (tearing it from her)  It's a stage prop.  Leave it alone. 

Ruby  All right, don't get tense. 

Edward  Look, I'm fed up with this dream now.  Please, go away.  Leave me alone. 

Ruby  Don't be pathetic. 

Edward  I'm going to close my eyes and count to three.  (He does, and starts counting)  One... 

Ruby  It'll end in tears. 

Edward  Two... 

 

Alex, wearing pyjamas, bursts dramatically into the room and sees Edward, who is standing holding the gun, eyes tightly closed, looking as if he is counting down to a suicide. 

 

Edward  Three! 

Alex  No!!!!! 

 

Alex leaps dramatically on Edward and flattens him onto the bed.  Both men are screaming and wrestling maniacally, as Alex tries to take the gun from Edward, and Edward instinctively defends himself, unaware why he has been attacked and, initially, by whom.  Edward finally manages to get Alex in a restraining necklock. 

 

Edward  Alex!  What the hell are you doing? 

Alex  I heard a gunshot! 

Edward  It went off accidentally! 

Alex  Well how the hell am I supposed to know that?  I thought you'd killed yourself! 

Edward  It's not even a real gun!  You said so! 

Alex  All right, all right, let's just calm down.  Let go. 

Edward  You let go. 

Alex  I'll let go when you let go. 

Edward  I've let go. 

Alex  All right, I'm letting go. 

Ruby  Well, well, well, Alexander.  Still leaping on men in your pyjamas, I see. 

Alex  I've let go. 

Edward  Alex? 

Alex  What? 

Edward  Did you...hear anything then? 

Alex  (disinterested - rubbing his neck)  Like what? 

Edward  Can you...see anybody else, in this room? 

Alex  Anybody else? 

Ruby  I've told you, he can't see me. 

Edward  You can't see a...woman, standing...somewhere? 

Alex  Like where? 

Edward  Like...there? 

Alex  (suspiciously)  Can you? 

Edward  No. 

Alex  Are you sure? 

Edward  Positive.  I just wondered if you could. 

Alex  Edward, I'm not leaving you alone tonight. 

Ruby  He says that to all the men. 

Edward  One of us is dreaming this. 

Alex  I hope it's me. 

Ruby  Can you get rid of him now?  We've got work to do. 

Edward  Work? 

Ruby  Well I'm not here on holiday. 

Alex  What do you mean, work? 

Edward  Ah!  So you heard her! 

Alex  Heard who? 

Edward  You heard her say work. 

Alex  You said work. 

Edward  No, she said it! 

Ruby  Just get rid him of him, Edward, before he calls an ambulance. 

Alex  Edward, I think you need help. 

Edward  I don't need a bloody ambulance. 

Alex  I never said you did. 

Edward  No, but she did. 

Alex  Edward! 

 

Alex slaps Edward to bring him out of his hysteria. 

 

Edward  Ow!  That hurt!   

 

Edward, shocked, slaps him back. 

 

Alex  Stop it! 

Edward  You stop it! 

Alex  I'm trying to help you!  (He slaps him again) 

Edward  I don't need your help!  (He slaps him back again) 

Alex  All right!  All right!  Calm down!  No more slapping. 

Edward  You started it. 

Alex  Edward, who is this...she? 

Ruby  You're making a mess of this.  Just boot him out, now! 

Edward  I can't! 

Alex  You can't what? 

Edward  What? 

Alex  You can't say who she is? 

Ruby  Edward! 

Alex  Edward! 

Edward  One at a time! 

Alex  All right.  You first.   

Ruby  Just repeat after me.  Alex, I'm just tired, that's all. 

Edward  Alex, I'm just tired, that's all. 

Ruby  I've had a nasty dream. 

Edward  I've had a nasty dream. 

Ruby  I'd like you to go now, so I can get some rest. 

Edward  I'd like you to go now, so I can get some rest. 

Alex  Oh.  Are you sure you're all right? 

Ruby  Quite sure. 

Edward  Quite sure. 

Ruby  Now show him the door. 

Edward  Now show him the door. 

Alex  Show who the door? 

Ruby  (screaming impatiently at Alex)  Get out!! 

Edward  He can't hear you. 

Alex  Who can't hear me? 

Edward  She'd like you to leave, Alex. 

Alex  All right.  I'm going. 

Edward  He's going. 

Alex  First thing in the morning, I want you to see a doctor. 

Ruby  Say goodnight, Alex. 

Edward  Goodnight, Alex. 

Alex  I'll see you in the morning. 

 

Alex exits warily. 

 

Ruby  He hasn't changed. 

Edward  He's a good friend. 

Ruby  Yes.  Good-looking chap, too.  Pity he's gay. 

Edward  I'm sure he wouldn't see it that way. 

Ruby  Meaning? 

Edward  We weren't exactly a great advert for heterosexuality, were we? 

Ruby  Oh, I don't know.  We had our moments. 

Edward  Did we? 

Ruby  At least it was never dull. 

Edward  Yes, I'll grant you that. 

Ruby  I'll bet there were times you despised me. 

Edward  Yes. 

Ruby  Go on, admit it! 

Edward  I just did. 

Ruby  Oh.  Right.  Well, that's all behind us now.  So? 

Edward  So what? 

Ruby  Pleased to see me? 

Edward  Delirious.  Yes, that's probably it.  I'm delirious.  I've got the flu. 

Ruby  Cheer up, sweetie.  It's not every man can claim his wife has experienced a second coming.  God knows the first is usually a challenge. 

Edward  Well, I wouldn't know.  I haven't exactly been at my sexual peak for a while. 

Ruby  Oh, yes.  How is the undercarriage by the way, still glittering? 

Edward  The last piece fell off on Monday. 

Ruby  Oh, better than expected.  I thought it might put you out of action for a month or two, but a whole year! 

Edward  You were very thorough. 

Ruby  And very artistic, don't you think?  Did you like the red cherry on the end? 

Edward  Dare I ask why? 

Ruby  Just trying to help out.  You obviously thought your willy was a bit of a pop star, I just made it look the part. 

Edward  I was in agony. 

Ruby  You should just be grateful I'm an understanding sort of wife.  My initial reaction was to chop it off and glue it to your brow. 

Edward  Are you going to tell me why? 

Ruby  Oh, I think you know why. 

Edward  Try me. 

Ruby  Were you ever unfaithful to me, Edward? 

Edward  No. 

Ruby  No? 

Edward  Not really. 

Ruby  From "No" to "Not really".  Your denial is getting more surreal by the second. 

Edward  Here I am discussing adultery with a ghost, and you talk to me about surreal? 

Ruby  Yes or no, sweetie. 

Edward  I've forgotten the question. 

Ruby  Were you ever unfaithful to me? 

Edward  It depends how you define unfaithful. 

Ruby  Having sex with other women. 

Edward  In that case, I suppose I was. 

Ruby  So how do you define unfaithful? 

Edward  Wanting to have sex with other women. 

Ruby  In that case, every man in Britain is unfaithful. 

Edward  Good.  That makes me feel less guilty. 

Ruby  So what are you saying - you had sex with other women but didn't want to? 

Edward  Yes.  No.  Don't know. 

Ruby  And what's that?  A multiple choice answer? 

Edward  All I'm saying...I don't know what I'm saying.  Look, I'm sitting up in the middle of the night having a conversation with a dead woman.  You want me to be rational?  I'm clearly insane, drunk, sleep-walking or feverish.  What do you want from me? 

Ruby  All right, calm down.  We're wasting time.  I'll get to the point. 

Edward  Oh, so there's a point! 

Ruby  Damn right there's a point.  Now listen carefully, I've got a little speech prepared.  This is a big moment for me.  Don't spoil it by interrupting.  Ready?  Oh, by the way, just for the purposes of the exercise, pretend that you loved me.  Huge imaginative leap, I know, but if you can believe in ghosts, what the hell.  Right, here we go.  (She assumes an imposing voice, and the wind begins to whistle ominously)   

                                                           I am thy wife's spirit; 

                                                           Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night, 

                                                           And, for the day, confin'd to waste in fires 

                                                           Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature 

                                                           Are burnt and purg'd away.  But that I am forbid 

                                                           To tell the secrets of my prison house, 

                                                           I could a tale unfold whose lightest word 

                                                           Would harrow up thy soul; freeze thy young blood; 

                                                           Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres;  

                                                           Thy knotted and combined locks to part,  

                                                           And each particular hair to stand on end,  

                                                           But this eternal blazon must not be  

                                                           To ears of flesh and blood.  List, list, O, list! 

                                                           If thou didst ever thy dear wife love... 

Edward  Oh, God! 

Ruby  Revenge her foul and most unnatural... 

Edward  Murder? 

Ruby  I told you not to interrupt! 

Edward  Sorry. 

Ruby                          Murder most foul, as in the best it is; 

                                                     But this most foul, strange, and unnatural.   

 Terrific isn't it?  What a great line.  "Murder most foul".  That's like the ghostie equivalent of "Follow that cab!"  I know ghosts that would die to say that line. 

Edward  You were murdered? 

Ruby  Yep.  As sure as I'm standing here. 

Edward  But I thought you died from... 

Ruby  A lethal cocktail of naughty pills and booze.  Yes, I know.  I was at the inquest.  Problem is, Edward my old sweetie pie, I didn't take the pills.  At least, not voluntarily.  They were planted in my drink. 

Edward  By who? 

Ruby  That's what I want you to find out. 

Edward  This is madness. 

Ruby  Thou this be madness, yet there is method in't. 

Edward  It's a dream, isn't it? 

Ruby  Is it? 

Edward  I'm dead really. 

Ruby  Make your mind up, sweetie.  Are you mad, dreaming or dead? 

Edward  I tried to shoot myself today.  Maybe I succeeded. 

Ruby  I wouldn't recommend it.  It's hell down there. 

Edward  Down there?  You mean you went... 

Ruby  Just an expression, sweetie.  No actually I haven't been anywhere yet.  Can't.  Not until I've sorted this out.  Limbo, that's what they call it.  

Edward  Limbo? 

Ruby  Just think of Manchester Airport. 

Edward  So, how come it took you so long to come back? 

Ruby  Admin, sweetie.  You've no idea of the amount of paperwork it takes just to get back here for a short visit.  It's a bit like trying to make an insurance claim.  Talking of which... 

Edward  No, I didn't get a penny. 

Ruby  What?  Nothing?  My breasts alone had a write-off value of fifty grand. 

Edward  The insurance company wriggled out of it, as usual. 

Ruby  How? 

Edward  They claimed it could have been suicide. 

Ruby  Suicide?  What evidence could they possibly have for suicide? 

Edward  The fact that you were married to me. 

Ruby  You can see their point, though, can't you.  So, you're stony broke, are you? 

Edward  Near enough.  I haven't written a thing since you died, you know.  Not a word. 

Ruby  Oh, dear.  Good job I'm no longer a materialist, isn't it?  It's right what they say, by the way - you can't take it with you.  (She holds her head)  Uh-oh! 

Edward  What's the matter? 

Ruby  I've got to go. 

Edward  Go where? 

Ruby  I'm starting to feel a bit faint.  He warned me about this. 

Edward  Who did? 

Ruby  The first time is always the shortest.  I've got to go and re-charge my batteries. 

Edward  Ruby? 

Ruby  Don't worry.  I'll be back. 

Edward  Ruby!  

Ruby  The glow-worm shows the matin to be near, 

                       And 'gins to pale his uneffectual fire 

                       Adieu, adieu!  Edward, remember me! 

 

Ruby opens the window and slowly exits the way she came as she recites her final words, accompanied by the howling wind.  The lights fade, first to ultra violet, showing Ruby as an eerie spectre, then to black.