As we join the extract, Robert Zeinfeld is being interrogated by Inspector Monroe.  Zeinfeld has been found wandering the streets of Leicester at 2am, suffering from total amnesia.  He has just been introduced to a lady claiming to be his wife. 

 

Robert  Inspector, that is not my wife. 

Monroe  How do you know? 

Robert  She's not my type. 

Monroe  Wives never are. 

Robert  I'm telling you - I would not marry that woman. 

Monroe  So what is your type? 

Robert  I don't know.  But it's not that.  She's too...aggressive. 

Monroe  She never said a word! 

Robert  She looks too aggressive. 

Monroe  She's also very rich. 

Robert  That's hardly relevant.  How rich? 

 

Monroe has found a chocolate, which again mangles his diction. 

 

Monroe  She drives a Mercedes. 

Robert  What? 

Monroe  She drives a Mercedes. 

Robert  A Mercedes? 

Monroe  (still enjoying the chocolate)  Mmm. 

Robert  What sort is it? 

Monroe  Truffle. 

Robert  A Mercedes truffle? 

Monroe  Mercedes sports.  Convertible.  And she lives in a huge house on the Wentworth Estate.  Her father is Victor Zeinfeld - a millionaire publisher. You still say she's not your wife? 

Robert  I'll keep an open mind. 

Monroe  Look, you have Mr Zeinfeld's filofax, Mr Zeinfeld's mobile, Mr Zeinfeld's keys.  Mrs Zeinfeld described you in detail, to me, over the phone, before she even arrived here.  Now, she's identified you in person.  I don't really think there's really any more doubt about your identity.  You are Mr Robert Zeinfeld! 

Robert  So you say. 

Monroe  So she says. 

Robert  And so say all of us. 

Monroe  You are Mr Robert Zeinfeld, and the woman in there, like her or hate her, is your extremely rich wife! 

Robert  I don't hate her, I just don't know her! 

Monroe  Your memory will return. 

Robert  Great.  Then maybe I'll remember that I hate her. 

Monroe  You might remember that you love her. 

Robert  I doubt it. 

Monroe  Why? 

Robert  Because she's not my type. 

Monroe  I think we're going round in circles. 

Robert  Are you married? 

Monroe  Yes. 

Robert  Is she your type? 

Monroe  God knows.  I hardly ever see her. 

Robert  Oh.  You're separated. 

Monroe  Only by careers.   

Robert  What? 

Monroe  She's a doctor.  I'm a copper.  We occasionally meet when someone's been stabbed.  I was hoping to have half an hour with her tonight, but then you show up. 

Robert  Do you love her? 

Monroe  (taken aback)  What? 

Robert  Do you love your wife? 

Monroe  (embarrassed)  Shut up! 

Robert  Not nice, is it?  Having someone poke around inside your emotions. 

Monroe  Oi!  This is my interrogation! 

Robert  But then again, I suspect you're like me.  You don't even know the answer. 

Monroe  What are you, a bloody police psychologist? 

Robert  Dunno.  I might be. 

Monroe  Well, I've got some bad news for you, Mr Zeinfeld.  You're an accountant. 

Robert  An accountant? 

Monroe  Yep. 

Robert  Perfect.  Thank you, God! 

Monroe  What's God got to do with it? 

Robert  I finally get the chance to experience reincarnation, and I come back as a bloody accountant. 

Monroe  Could be worse - you could have come back as a DI in Leicester. 

Robert  Or even a DC. 

Monroe  Oh, no, a DC would be out doing something useful, like hunting for criminals.  I get stuck in here with a buffoon like you! 

Robert  Look, I don't like this amnesia crap any more than you do.  In fact, as far as I can remember, I like it less.  But I can't help it!  There's nothing there.  It's just like a...a black curtain, across my brain.  Like some huge door has just.....you don't believe me, do you? 

Monroe  I'll keep an open mind. 

Robert  What does that mean? 

Monroe  It means I don't believe you. 

Robert  What about another bang on the head? 

Monroe  What? 

Robert  Isn't it supposed to make the memory come back sometimes? 

Monroe  So? 

Robert  Well, couldn't you just hit me on the head with a truncheon or something? 

Monroe  I don't think that's very scientific. 

Robert  It might work. 

Monroe  Don't get me wrong, Mr Zeinfeld. I'd love to give it a try. 

Robert  Well anything's better than this. 

Monroe  Unfortunately, I never let pleasure get in the way of my work.  Besides, there's very little left to sort out.  We already know who you are... 

Robert  Do we? 

Monroe  We do.  So, there's just one last little detail we need to clear up, and then we can all go home. 

Robert  I don't want to go home. 

Monroe  What were you doing in Leicester? 

Robert  I've told you - I can't remember! 

Monroe  Mrs Zeinfeld says you were supposed to be in Blackpool yesterday. 

Robert  Does she now? 

Monroe  She does. 

Robert  Well maybe I was in Blackpool yesterday. 

Monroe  I don't think so. 

Robert  And what do you think? 

Monroe  I don't think you had time.  I think you went straight to Leicester. 

Robert  Right then - so what does that prove? 

Monroe  You tell me! 

Robert  That Mrs Zeinfeld doesn't know what she's talking about. 

Monroe  Perhaps you deliberately misled Mrs Zeinfeld about going to Blackpool. 

Robert  Perhaps Mrs Zeinfeld deliberately misled you about me going to Blackpool. 

Monroe  So you still claim you can't remember why you were there? 

Robert  Yes. 

Monroe  And you can't even remember your own name. 

Robert  I can remember the name you said I'd got. 

Monroe  Robert Zeinfeld. 

Robert  Yes. 

Monroe  Is that your name? 

Robert  You said it was my name. 

Monroe  And what do you say? 

Robert  I say I can't remember.  Why don't you ask Mrs Zeinfeld?  She seems to have all the answers? 

Monroe  Don't worry.  I have. 

Robert  And what does she say? 

Monroe  She says it's your name. 

Robert  Great.  So we've established my name. 

Monroe  So you admit it is your name? 

Robert  What the hell, it's a good name.  I'll take it! 

Monroe  Stop pratting about! 

Robert  Why are you interrogating me?  I'm not a criminal, I'm a victim! 

Monroe  Of what? 

Robert  I'm found wandering around Leicester with a bump on my head.  How do you know I wasn't robbed? 

Monroe  You weren't robbed. 

Robert  How do you know that? 

Monroe  Because nothing was missing. 

Robert  How do you know nothing was missing?  I could have been carrying the Crown jewels. 

Monroe  Only if you'd stolen them. 

Robert  Well maybe I did, I can't remember. 

Monroe  You had keys, filofax, phone - there was money and credit cards in your wallet - nothing was missing. 

Robert  My memory was missing. 

Monroe  So what are you saying now - that someone bashed you over the back of the head and stole your memory? 

Robert  Who knows? 

 

Monroe launches a rapid-fire onslaught. 

 

Monroe  How old are you? 

Robert  I can't remember! 

Monroe  What were you doing in Leicester? 

Robert  I don't know. 

Monroe  Where do you work? 

Robert  I've told you I can't... 

Monroe  What colour is your front door? 

Robert  Red! 

Monroe  (a pause - slightly startled)  Was that a guess? 

Robert  Course it was a bloody guess!  I don't even know where I live.  (Thoughtful pause)  Was it a good guess? 

Monroe  Not bad. 

Robert  What colour is it? 

Monroe  Green. 

Robert  Then it was a lousy guess. 

Monroe  I need a pee. 

Robert  How do you know? 

Monroe  Because my bladder is all distended. 

Robert  How do you know my front door is green. 

Monroe  I used to live there. 

Robert  In my house? 

Monroe  In Surrey.  I need to go and talk to your wife. 

Robert  Remember me to her, would you?  

 

Monroe goes to the door, stops and turns. 

 

Monroe  Would you like me to bring you back a coffee? 

Robert  Yeah, why not. 

Monroe  Do you take sugar? 

Robert  No. 

Monroe  (pouncing)  Hah!  How do you know that? 

Robert  Oh, God.  That was a pathetic attempt to trick me, wasn’t it? 

Monroe  Not so pathetic.  It worked. 

Robert  Look, I don't know how I know.  I just know, that's all.  I also know that the Battle of Hastings was in 1066.  Some things stick, some don't.  That's just the way it is.  Have you ever had amnesia? 

Monroe  Not as far as I can remember.