We join the extract as Gordon the Chairman is handing out copies of his new "sex panto" to Bernard, Margaret and Joyce.
It has been produced using his new word processor.
Bernard Ooh! New word processor?
Gordon Certainly is, Bernard.
Bernard Anyway, listen. If we don't get something done about that lighting desk we're going to have a serious problem.
Gordon Right, have a crack at it from the top.
Bernard He's not listening to me.
Gordon I'm listening Bernard, but I've got more important things to worry about at the moment, thank you.
Bernard I reckon the dimmers are sending too much power to the lamps.
Gordon Margaret, Joyce - you're both on. So, curtain, lights, overture, and...let's go! (There's a bemused silence as they both look at the scripts) Problem? You can read, can you?
Margaret We can read, Gordon. But we don't understand.
Gordon (already getting tense and patronising) Well, I'll try and help you, Margaret. Tell me, which word are you stuck on?
Margaret Well, Cas, for example.
Gordon Cas?
Margaret Yes, Cas, there look.
Gordon (he struts over to check Margaret's script) It's cat, Margaret. I'm terribly sorry if the odd typo has slipped through, I did do it in a rush. But I'm sure if you read it in context it's not so terribly difficult. Cat, Margaret. Dick Whittington and his Cat.
Joyce Whissingson.
Gordon What?
Joyce It says here, Dick Whissingson and hit Cas.
Margaret It's not the odd typo, Gordon. The whole thing's riddled with mistakes.
Bernard This new word processor of yours. You didn't get it from Brian Maynard, did you?
Gordon Might have done. Why? (Bernard bursts into laughter) Something amusing you, Bernard?
Bernard He tried that one on me.
Gordon He tried what one on you?
Bernard Dodgy software, mate. He got stuck with a job-lot. It's all right till you try and print it out - then all the T's come out as S's.
Joyce And what do the S's come out as?
Margaret T's by the look of it.
Gordon Wait till I get hold of him. All right, all right, we'll just have to battle through. I'm sure it won't be too bad if you keep your wits about you. I'll sort it out for next week. Come on, let's take it from the top of page one. Margaret's entrance.
Margaret "Here we are, old friend, London Sown."
Gordon Town.
Margaret "I muts tay, shit it..."
Gordon This is, Margaret.
Margaret It says "shit it", Gordon.
Gordon Just use your brain, Margaret. S's are T's, T's are S's. "This is..."
Margaret "This is...noshing like I wat expecsing".
Gordon Is that the best you can do, Margaret?
Margaret My fault, Gordon, I was expecting it to be in English.
Gordon All right, Joyce, you're on.
Joyce Right. Where from?
Gordon From where we just left off, Joyce.
Joyce Sorry, I must have missed it.
Gordon From the beginning of your first line.
Joyce Right.
Gordon And don't panic, Joyce. It's just one word, and it's got no S's or T's in it, so you should be off to a flying start.
Joyce Okay, here goes, then. (Pause) Ready?
Gordon Yes, Joyce, we're all here.
Joyce (woodenly, after a preparatory cough) Miaow.
Gordon Hold it, hold it. Cat, Joyce.
Joyce What?
Gordon Cat, Joyce. Cat.
Joyce What are you talking about, Gordon?
Gordon You're a cat, Joyce.
Joyce I know I'm a cat, Gordon.
Gordon Then do what cats do, Joyce.
Joyce I said miaow, Gordon, what more do you want me to do?
Gordon (getting very wound up) I want you to feel like a cat, Joyce! I want you to look like a cat!
Joyce Well I'm terribly sorry, Gordon! I'm sorry I haven't got four legs. I'm sorry I wasn't born with fur and whiskers.
Bernard Oh, I don't know - you've got the whiskers.
Gordon Think about the role, Joyce. Think what you are! It's not just what you say, but the way you move, the way you react. Become the part, Joyce. Adopt the essential feline characteristics.
Joyce I'm sorry?
Gordon Act like a frigging cat, Joyce.
Margaret Gordon! There's no need for that!
