Eve  Why do you drink so much? 

Bill  Health reasons.  When I'm pissed I can't find my cigarettes.  

Eve  You're probably wondering why I'm here. 

Bill  I dare say you've come for this. 

 

He holds aloft Eve's skirt, which was draped on a chair. 

 

Eve  (snatching at it, embarrassed)  No.  The truth is, the real reason I'm here...well to be honest I don't know why I'm here.  Well that's another lie you see - I do know why I'm here.  If you'd really like to know the truth, about why I'm here, I mean the real truth...can I have a drink? 

Bill  A drink?  Of course...er, more tea? 

Eve  Whiskey. 

Bill  Whiskey? 

Eve  I've never tried it.  I'd like to try it.  I think one should try and try things one hasn't tried before - don't you? 

Bill  Well, yes. 

 

Bill pours Eve a whiskey.  She takes it from him, knocks it back instantly, and hands back the glass without a hint of reaction. 

 

Eve  Thank you.  (She takes a deep breath, as if about to reveal some astonishing news, but as she begins to speak she feels the delayed reaction of the whiskey.  It's a violent reaction.  She starts wheezing, as if all her breath has been expelled, and she's unable to replace it.) 

Bill  Are you all right?  Eve?  Stay there.  (He rushes into the kitchen, and returns with a glass of water)  Drink this.  (Eve drinks the water, and eventually her eyes return to their sockets.)  Better? 

Eve  (she nods, and recovers her composure)  I can't believe you're supposed to swallow that stuff. 

Bill  That's what all the girls say. 

Eve  What? 

Bill  Nothing.  You did gulp it down rather quickly.  You're supposed to sip it. 

Eve  Pour me another. 

Bill  Are you sure? 

Eve  Positive.  (Puzzled, Bill pours her another)  Sip it? 

Bill  Very slowly.  (Eve sips, and shudders)  Well? 

Eve  It tastes like petrol. 

Bill  I wish I'd known.  I could have got three gallons for the price of this.  (She takes another determined swig)  Look, I would have made you some more tea, you know. 

Eve  I'm broadening my horizons. 

Bill  I see. 

Eve  (another large gulp, and grimace)  Does it grow on you? 

Bill  If you're not careful it takes root. 

Eve  (handing Bill the empty glass)  One more, then. 

Bill  Is something bothering you? 

Eve  Is it all right if I just stay for a while and talk?  I'd like to talk to someone, about something - if you don't mind. 

Bill  All right. 

Eve  Thank you. 

 

There's a long silence, as Eve sits sipping her drink, and Bill waits for her to reveal all. 

 

Eve  The erm...the pollen count's quite high today, apparently. 

Bill  Is it? 

Eve  Apparently.  I don't particularly suffer with it myself. 

Bill  Neither do I. 

Eve  No.  Neither do I. 

 

There's another very long silence. 

 

Bill  Well, I do enjoy a good natter, don't you? 

Eve  Is your wife here? 

Bill  No.  Gone back to London.  Funnily enough she does suffer from hay fever.  That's the only reason I used to buy her flowers.  Just another way of getting up her nose really.  By the way, did I tell you?  We're getting divorced. 

Eve  Oh, no.  Really? 

Bill  Really.   

Eve  I'm sorry. 

Bill  Don't be. 

Eve  Is it...you know. 

Bill  What? 

Eve  The madness. 

Bill  Yes.  Yes, you could say that.  A bit of madness on both sides.  I had my lawyer here earlier finalizing all the details.  Or rather, my ex-lawyer.  He's now my wife's lawyer.  Or rather my ex-wife's lawyer.  Ex-wife to be, that is. 

Eve  Isn't it a bit sudden? 

Bill  Not really.  We've been planning it ever since our honeymoon. 

Eve  I thought you were supposed to live apart for a year or something first. 

Bill  Oh, you mean a trial separation from the cheque book.  No, Jenny would never agree to that. 

Eve  You haven't got...children, have you? 

Bill  Oh, no.  Nothing as messy as that.  She did want to have one once, when all her friends started having them - you know, a sort of designer accessory.  But I knew she'd soon get bored with it, so I told her to hire one in if she felt the urge.  In the end she bought the rabbit.  Let me give you a tip, by the way.  When you marry Neville, try to avoid kids and rabbits.  All they ever do is eat and pooh, and it makes it far more difficult when it comes to the divorce.  Another drink? 

Eve  (handing over her glass)  I've decided not to marry Neville. 

Bill  I see.  Is it something he said?  I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this agony aunt stuff. 

Eve  You're not a Catholic, are you, Mr Adams? 

Bill  (swigging at his whiskey)  Damn.  Rumbled. 

Eve  Do you know anything about the Catholic faith? 

Bill  A bit.  My wife's a Catholic.  Well, a lapsed Catholic.  Well, more of a totally collapsed Catholic actually.  It stemmed from her father.  Now there was a character.  Half Irish, and three-quarters mad.  It was him who introduced me to whiskey, you know.  "Bill", he said "if you're going to drink, do the job properly.  I'll give you the technique, my daughter will give you the excuse."  And it was him who insisted on a Catholic wedding.  "Bill", he said "if you're going to marry the girl, do the job properly".  (A hint of melancholy)  In the end, well, he never got to see it. 

Eve  He died. 

Bill  No, he got pissed and forgot to turn up.  I should have done the same.  Hang on, hang on - didn't you say it was your father that married us? 

Eve  That's right.  Father Tomlin. 

Bill  But I thought priests had to take a lifelong vow of celibacy.  Old Father T got a bit of a skeleton in the cupboard, has he? 

Eve  I'm not his real daughter.  He found me. 

Bill  Found you? 

Eve  I was abandoned outside the Church.  Just a couple of weeks old.  Naked, lying in the long grass.   

Bill  Hence the name Eve.   

Eve  Yes.  They did try to trace my real parents, but they couldn't.  Finally, Father Tomlin sought permission from the Bishop to bring me up as his own daughter. 

Bill  This sounds like the plot of a novel. 

Eve  He always thought the worst thing about being a priest was not being able to have children of his own, and then, well, I just appeared. 

Bill  His own little immaculate conception. 

Eve  It's not easy being the daughter of a priest, you know. 

Bill  I can imagine. 

Eve  All my school friends went to discos and met boys.  I went to the library and met Neville. 

Bill  Have you ever been to a disco? 

Eve  My father wouldn't let me. 

Bill  He was doing you a favour. 

Eve  I'd like to find that out for myself. 

Bill  Fair enough. 

Eve  (the whiskey is beginning to take its toll on Eve's diction)  I'm twenty-four years old, you know.  Twenty-four! 

Bill  I had that problem over a decade ago.  You grow out of it. 

Eve  Do you realize that I've been going out with Neville since I was eighteen and a half, and he's never once...not once! 

Bill  Not once what? 

Eve  You know. 

Bill  Taken you to a disco? 

Eve  No. 

Bill  Had hay fever? 

Eve  No!  Never...touched me, in that way. 

Bill  Ah. 

Eve  He's never even really kissed me. 

Bill  Never kissed you? 

Eve  Well, not properly.  I mean he...gives me a peck now and again. 

Bill  A peck? 

Eve  You know, a peck - on the cheek. 

Bill  You might as well go out with a pigeon. 

Eve  It's not fair, Mr Adams. 

Bill  It's certainly not. 

Eve  I'm not a nun. 

Bill  I'm not a nun either. 

Eve  You're an experienced man, Mr Adams.  I want you to be honest with me.  What's...you know, wrong with me? 

Bill  Wrong with you? 

Eve  I want you to tell me.  Just be honest.  I can take it.  Why am I not attractive to men, in that sort of way, you know....thing. 

Bill  Thing? 

Eve  You know...sexy - there, I've said it. 

Bill  What makes you think you're not sexy? 

Eve  I may be a bit naive, Mr Adams, but I'm not stupid.  Six years.  And not once has Neville even...put his hand, you know...up there...on my thingies. 

Bill  Perhaps he didn't want to rush you. 

Eve  So how come after two minutes with your wife he turns into a...into an animal.  What's she got that I haven't? 

Bill  A mind like a sewer and a bottle of vodka.  Look, I told you, Neville wasn't in control of his actions.  He'd have probably done the same to you years ago if you'd got him drunk. 

Eve  So you've got to be drunk to find me attractive! 

Bill  I didn't say that! 

Eve  You implicated it! 

Bill  I implied it. 

Eve  You implied it. 

Bill  No I didn't. 

Eve  You did!  You just said you did. 

Bill  Look, you do not have to be drunk to find you attractive! 

Eve  How do you know? 

Bill  Because I.... (he stops himself for a second, then decides to proceed)  Because I find you attractive and I'm not...well, all right I'm a bit pissed, but that's just me - I'm always like this - I still know what I like, I still know what I'm saying...oh, I don't know what I'm saying. 

Eve  So you do think I'm a bit, you know...thing. 

Bill  I think you're very thing.  In fact, I think you're one of the most thing people I've ever met.   

Eve  (handing him her glass)  Can I have another? 

Bill  Are you sure? 

Eve  Yes, why not.  I think I'm beginning to grow on it. 

 

Bill pours another two large whiskies. 

 

Bill  Look, your friend Neville, the pigeon...how can I put this?  Neville isn't exactly typical of most men. 

Eve  Are you? 

Bill  Probably not.  I'm a bit the other way. 

Eve  Which other way? 

Bill  The way that Neville isn't.  You see, most boyfriends would have tried to put their hands on your thingies within a few weeks. 

Eve  Would you? 

Bill  I wanted to do it the moment I saw you. 

Eve  Then why didn't you? 

Bill  Why didn't I? 

Eve  Please.  I need to know.  I need to understand what's wrong with me. 

Bill  I've told you - there's nothing wrong with you! 

Eve  Then why? 

Bill  Because I like you. 

Eve  Because you like me. 

Bill  Yes. 

Eve  And I suppose you only do it with women you don't like. 

Bill  Something like that.  It's a matter of respect. 

Eve  Well respect, if you'll pardon my French, Mr Adams, is a real pisser! 

Bill  (trying to take her glass from her)  I think perhaps you've had enough to drink, now. 

Eve  (snatching it back)  No! I'm not a child any more!  And you're not my father!  And neither, for that matter, is my father.  I'm twenty-four and a half years of old, Mr Adams!  It's about time I was treated like one. 

Bill  All right.  You want to know why I haven't tried to seduce you.  It's because at the last minute, I came to my senses. 

Eve  Oh, thanks a bunch! 

Bill  I realized that if I had, I would have destroyed your most precious and sensuous quality. 

Eve  I don't understand. 

Bill  Of course you don't.  That's all part of it. 

Eve  Part of what? 

Bill  Part of the very thing that makes you so...thing. 

Eve  Am I being thick here, or what? 

Bill  Look, you asked me to be honest with you.  As an experienced man - whatever one of those is.  Well, all right.  You want to know the thing I find most appealing about you - the thing that drives me to distraction - the thing that makes me want to bite my knuckles and punch holes in doors, the thing that makes me want to tear off your clothes, strip by strip, and lick every crevice of your body....(he pauses, frustratingly) 

Eve  What?? 

Bill  Your innocence! 

Eve  I don't want to be innocent! 

Bill  You are what you are. 

Eve  I'm twenty-four! 

Bill  You can't catch up all those years in one day. 

Eve  You just watch me! 

 

Eve starts furiously taking off her clothes, starting with her skirt.  The zip gets stuck, so it ends up being wedged on her hips.  She then proceeds to lift up her polo-neck sweater. 

 

Bill  Eve!  What are you doing?  Please!  Put your thingies away! 

Eve  (now full of Dutch courage)  Oh, come on!  Let's not be coy about this any longer, Mr Adams, shan't we?  We both know what we're talking about here, don't we both.  We're talking about breasts.  There you are.  It's easy enough to say.  Breasts.  All women have them.  I'm no exception.  (Struggling furiously with the sweater)  There you are, you see?  I knew they were under there somewhere. 

Bill  Eve!  Stop it! 

Eve  Come on, Mr Adams!  I'm a man, and you're a woman.  What could be more natural? 

 

Eve, in her haste to tear off her clothes, now finds herself with her head and hands stuck in her inside-out polo neck sweater.  She performs frantic gyrations to try and free herself, but only gets more tangled. 

 

Bill  Eve! 

 

Eve degenerates into screams of frustration, as she wrestles helplessly inside her sweater.  

 

Eve  (wailing)  I hate myself. 

Bill  You're just a bit confused, that's all.  We both are.  A bit drunk, and a bit confused.   

Eve  (becoming mellow)  Do you mind if I have the lights on now? 

Bill  Come and sit down.  Come on. 

Eve  Do you know what I think, Mr Adams? 

Bill  What? 

Eve  I think I'm going to be sick. 

 

Bill frantically tries to unravel Eve, and music links to the next scene.   

 

 

 

 

     Scene Three 

 

Eve, wearing one of Jenny's dresses, sits drooped on the settee with her head under a towel.  Bill enters from the kitchen with a fizzy pick-me-up drink in a glass, and a mug of black coffee. 

 

Bill  (pressing the fizzy drink into her hand)  Here.  

Eve  What is it? 

Bill  Alka Seltzer.  It helps. 

 

Eve remains motionless under the towel. 

 

Eve  It's not helping. 

Bill  You have to drink it. 

 

Eve lifts the towel.  She is wearing sunglasses.  She knocks back the drink. 

 

Bill  Good girl.  (Taking the glass and handing her the mug)  Black coffee.  Sip it. 

Eve  (slowly recovering, her eyes focus on the dress)  Are you sure your wife wouldn't mind me wearing this? 

Bill  She'd probably mind more if you weren't wearing it.  Anyway, that's one of her old rejects. 

Eve  It looks brand new. 

Bill  Yes, but she's tried it on.   

Eve  What happened to my sweater? 

 

She holds up a section of the dismembered polo neck sweater which was lying on the floor. 

 

Bill  Sorry about that.  I did it just before you passed out. 

Eve  I passed out? 

Bill  Yes.  For about an hour. 

Eve  I don't remember that. 

Bill  Well you wouldn't.  You were unconscious.  Anyway, you said you were going to be sick, and I panicked.  I cut it off with scissors. 

Eve  Was I sick? 

Bill  Yes.  About twenty seconds later. 

Eve  Oh, no.  Not on the floor? 

Bill  No, we were lucky.  I just managed to drag you into the kitchen, and the dishwasher was open. 

 

Eve sprays out the coffee she was sipping. 

 

Bill  It's all right.  That's out of the cupboard.  So, how do you like your first taste of the big bad world? 

Eve  You may find this hard to understand, Mr Adams, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm really alive - even though, at this precise moment, I feel like I've died.  Did that make any sense? 

Bill  No. 

Eve  That's what I thought.